You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I had to cum in my sink.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
