I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
