Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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