I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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