Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
