Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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