This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
