its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
