just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
