Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
