Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
