This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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