I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
