it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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