he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
