We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
