Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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