You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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