I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
