I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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