yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
