I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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