On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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