I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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