2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
