I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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