is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
