$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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