I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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