I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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