well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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