Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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