well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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