Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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