Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
