half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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