The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
