So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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