If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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