he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
