I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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