How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
