By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
