My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
