Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
