she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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