My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
