he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
