I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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