The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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