So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
