i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
