my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
