as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
