Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
