Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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