Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
