my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I can't turn off my feet"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
