My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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