It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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